Marginal Notes

2005-03-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

my hair is pink. i've dropped out of college and I'm moving back home but not before i fly to rome for a week. yay italy. my grandparents died and they left me all of their money. 300,000 and i'm going to invest it all in the market. interesting the way life turns out.

2004-11-15T18:22:00.000-05:00

2004-11-15T18:18:00.000-05:00

SLEEP ON IT.

Sleep seems to be taking over my life. I wake up in the morning and float to class. I come back dragging, set my alarm for twenty minutes before my next class, and crash into my unmade bed. It’s always unmade. If I made it, I would only unmake it and make it again several times over during the course of the day. Maybe, I have that ever-present campus illness: mono. Maybe, I’m just pathetic. Or maybe, I take too many sleep- inducing drugs. It doesn’t matter.

This afternoon (or this morning . . . I’m not sure which segment of sleep it was), I had a dream that I burned to death on Brock Commons. Everyone watching looked disturbed. It didn’t seem to bother me. In the dream it was my norm. Burning was my niche.

Substance seems to be fleeting, doesn’t it?

2004-11-07T14:26:00.000-05:00

2004-11-07T14:25:00.000-05:00

2004-11-07T14:23:00.001-05:00

2004-11-07T14:23:00.000-05:00

2004-11-07T14:11:00.000-05:00

2004-11-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

"Change your heart...look around you..."

I always look forward to going to Richmond, and I always look forward to leaving it.

It was nice seeing Cole and Andrew again. We went to all the old haunts

Before I left, I ran into Charlotte. Apparently, she had already met Cole at VCU, but the dots didn't connect until that moment. It was weird. Virginia is too small.

Overall, the trip was nostalgic and sad. Exactly what I love.

If I could live anywhere in Richmond, I'd live in a big house at the top of Hollywood Cemetary. Spend all my time watching the river vomit into the sea. Wait for age, or cancer, or depression to do its work on me.

2004-11-01T14:45:00.000-05:00

"The Color of Water"

The mountain will continue to grow because a.) i drink too much water, and b.) i'm too lazy to go to the recycling center.

2004-11-01T14:42:00.000-05:00

2004-10-30T23:56:00.000-04:00

meandkristin

2004-10-30T10:49:00.000-04:00

Libby

2004-10-30T10:41:00.000-04:00

“I have the potential to be great today; everyone I know will see the change”

It’s eighty degrees and it’s almost November. I wish I had gotten the memo so I could have avoided waking up with my boxers pasted to my thighs.

I’m dying my hair crimson today.

I’m dropping my history major soon so I can focus on the major that I actually want to pursue. Grad school up north is a definite.

I’ll be in the ‘noke on Tuesday to vote. I won’t be going home until Thanksgiving after that.

Next weekend: Road trip with Andrew to see my love, my life…Coleman.

I’ll be posting a short story within the week. Some constructive criticism would be nice.

Happy Halloween.

2004-10-20T13:04:00.000-04:00

decorated for the re-emergence of the great virgin fuck.

2004-07-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

"selfless, cold, and composed"

Went to Richmond last weekend. You should always visit the places you hate just to remind yourself how much you hate them. Got to see Cole and Andy. Good times. Would have been better times but I had to babysit a certain belligerent drunk who shall remain nameless. Cole is now addicted to a certain show which shall remain nameless. Mmm, 8 hours of watching, well...

Sitting at the coffee shop and other misadventures ensued.

Next road trip: D.C., July 22-26

2004-07-05T20:56:00.000-04:00

"Oh, my pregnant head"

To my skin...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that to you, little epidermis. I'm so burnt I'm doing that uncontrollable shaking thing and wearing sweats in 80 degree weather. Never again...

Since when did my mother turn into the stereotypical jewish matchmaker woman? "He's 29 with 40,000 dollars in the bank! And so handsome. Would you like to meet him?!" NO, I would not. Twenty-fucking-nine. All I have to say is, what the hell?

Volunteering a lot this month. Too much. My photography class seems to be taking a back seat. How did that happen? Sigh.

Can't wait to see coleman and beat his ass at egyptian ratscrew, among other things.

2004-07-04T04:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday, America.

2004-07-01T00:32:00.000-04:00

"I am a vistor here. I am not permanent"

Blank...

Very excited about...Richmond...so i can see my 'Will'...Very excited about D.C. so I can see that crazy 'italian stallion'...

Codenames abound on the S.S. Caitlines

Getting up in four hours to take my extremely sick (hopefully not dying) dog to the vet for surgery. Then going to GSH to enter more death dates...Then god knows what else...

Call me tomorrow and make me feel like life is worth living in this time of gloom.

2004-06-28T02:19:00.000-04:00

"Mark these words on his grave"

Went to see The Terminal...that Tom Hanks movie. Didn't really want to see it because it looked really retarded but I was forced into submission. I loved it...and let me tell you why. Tom Hanks doesn't get Catherine Zeta Jones in the end. Finally a movie with a realistic ending. He ends up alone. She goes back to being a whore with some married guy and he goes back to some fake slavic country. How great is that? Of course, the very reason why I liked it is the reason why so many other people hated it. The movie ended and I heard many "what the fuck"s. That's the end? Yes...it's the end. That's how real life works. The ugly guy doesn't get the girl. The girl is a cheap flight attendant from god-knows-where. SHE'S TOO HOT TO BE WITH TOM HANKS.

meeh, meh

2004-06-25T16:47:00.000-04:00

"Slow like honey, heavy with mood"

I spent four hours entering deaths into a computer database today. By 1:30 I couldn't see straight.

I finally got an A/C adapter for my nikon. Be prepared for massive amounts of pictures.

Darkroom tomorrow...

2004-06-23T23:40:00.000-04:00

"I will lay me down in a bunker underground"

The gray weather put me into a state of melancholia. Or maybe it's all this Camus and pre-socratic philosophy. Anything where the meaning of existance is questioned depresses me. It's impossible to know the meaning of life. There most likely is no meaning anyway. Oh well.

I cleaned the house for the billionth time. Then I went out with some people. Came home and read L'etranger for the fourth time. Lounged.

My new cousin...

That is one fat guatamalan baby.

2004-06-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

"Out across the flood plane, it'd float until it reached the open sea"

Nothing to do. No where to go. I have nothing to do this week. No volunteering. No class. Sounds like a roadtrip is in order...

2004-06-20T01:50:00.000-04:00

"It's like pear juice...with the syrup...in the can"

Registration was long but bearable. Self-appointed mantra...lowered expectations make the world go 'round.
But really...at least it's not Richmond. I spilled hot coffee on my hand that morning. But I missed the squirrel on 460. It all evens out. Karma...the great equalizer.

Four hours in the darkroom with a lab assistant breathing down my neck. A solitary digipic of Josh and Kristin. Then those damn alkaline tubes of crap began to die. Damn Nikon and there pathetic attempt to offer a small energy-saving device with high picture quality. I spit in your face.

Good times were had by me with many.
Peace. Love. Bongs.

2004-06-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

"Touch my monkey!...Now I'm as happy as a little girl"

SNL infomericials rock my world.

I volunteered at GSH today. The atmosphere there is weird. There are volumes and volumes of files just for the dead. Everyday I've been there at least three people have died. My job is to type up their 'discharge' papers and stamp the DOD on their file. The nurses and social workers don't really react which is normal I suppose. They know all their patients will die within six months,anyway. So yeah...I guess you could say I'm volunteering at a death clinic. I knew that death class would come in handy.

I cleaned the whole fucking house today. REALLY CLEANED. You could eat out of the cat litter this place is so clean. My mom wanted the house to be "pristine" so she could have her fucking swingers party. Which reminds me...I need a place to stay tomorrow night. ...I'll figure that out tomorrow. I know I'm going to come home and one of their friends is going to have puked in my bed from all that goddamn vodka and moonshine. Hmm, I suppose I'll fill up on that before I leave them to their orgy. Anyway...

I'll be in Farmville tomorrow for registration. I really don't feel like dealing with that but I guess I have no choice. I'll be back in Roanoke by 5 at the latest. I'm not sticking around for all that "get to know your fellow students" shit. So yeah...someone call me.

That reminds me. I'm like the only single one left. Too many of my friends have found a significant other. Not that it's a bad thing. I'm very happy for them but everytime I see a couple get together I can't help but think, "why would they want that? It's just going to end two weeks...six months...two years down the road". This is the 'prime of our lives', we should be seeing multiple people and having great sex. Of course, those of you with morals might have difficulty with that concept...so disregard the previous statement. But yeah...i guess my point is one person at a time isn't for me. Or maybe it is...I don't know...i'm just doing what feels good. Conceptualization and phrasing seem to be a problem tonight so all you couples... have a good evening...this single girl is calling it a night.

Peace. Love. Pharmacuetical Pot.

2004-06-14T12:45:00.000-04:00

"Oh my god, wait and see what will soon become of me"

Bonnaroo rocked me like a hurricane. I met some cool people and smoked some good pot. Dave's show was incredible. I want to have his babies. Beside the car wreck on the way down, the night of rain saturday, and the cold I now have from spending the night in a wet sleeping bag, I LOVED Bonnaroo. I'm so going back next year except I'll probably get an RV with a few people.

This week is going to be busy for me so if I don't see or talk to any of you let me say in advance, "it's not you, it's me".

Now, time for advil and hot tea.

2004-06-08T09:25:00.000-04:00

"Reading is the opposite of a dog eating dear meat"*

So I wake up this morning, go downstairs, and fix my coffee in my least favorite mug(my dads hunting mug). I really need to do the dishes. I turn on the news and see Katie Couric interveiwing O.J. Simpson. It never ceases to amaze me. Then I hear that Reagan may replace Hamilton on the ten dollar bill. What the hell? What...the...hell? Has the entire free world gone stupid? Oh wait...no...just America.

I finally got to develop film last night. Mmm, 20 people crammed into a 10 by 15 darkroom. I let the guy next to me borrow my scissors several times. That was fun. Passing a sharp object in the dark always makes for an interesting scenario. I almost impaled him but that's okay because he passed the scissors so low a couple of times I thought he was trying to give me a c-section. My negatives came out better than I thought they would. There's a really good one of Miss Mary and her violin.
I wasn't expecting the smell of the chemicals. I thought it would smell more like...chemicals. Instead, it smelled like urine and chicken noodle soup. Interesting.

Leaving for Bonnaroo tomorrow. Very very very excited. I hope we have good weather but if we don't I'm bringing my bathing suit and a poncho. Yeehaw.

I went to Happy Hollow at 9:30 yesterday morning. It was really foggy and wet. I was the only one there. I stayed for about an hour walking around. Only now do I see how stupid that was. I don't care. I'll do it again.

*Something my dad said to his A.P. History class. Why? I have no idea.

2004-06-04T10:18:00.000-04:00

"People will screw you, they just want to use you"

I have an appointment with my lawyer Tuesday to "set the ball of retribution rolling". I feel bad about taking someone to court. I feel like one of those ignorant rednecks on Judge Judy trying to milk the defense out of everything they have. But then I remind myself I'm not suing her, I'm suing her insurance company...and she did hit me with a truck. Someone needs to pay.

I saw Harry Potter and way too many people I know last night.

minor EPIPHANY
Yes, people will screw you. They will lie, cheat, and use you. They will act like they care about you when in reality they don't give a shit...
Bottom line: So what?

Last year my expectations kicked my ass. Example: VCU. Example: Relationships. As long as I expect school to be a shithole and expect my relationships to be superficial or purely sexual, then I can't be disappointed. I can only be pleasantly surprised.

I'm not a masochist or a pessimist. I'm a realist and I'm happy.

On that note...I'm off to take a shower and then go to lunch with skwak and nas. Peace. Love. Szechuan.

2004-05-31T08:53:00.000-04:00

"Is it raining, is it snowing, is a hurricane a-blowing"

I'm done with this rain. I'm sooo done. Of course, as soon as I buy a bikini it rains from that point on. God is spiting me. Stupid weather. I saw The Day After Tomorrow with Mary and Elizabeth on Saturday. It was about as good as I thought it would be but at least I got to see Jake Gyllenhaal with no shirt on. I had lunch with Stephanie. How I missed her. I can't wait to see the zine. Spent some time with Kristin. Spent some time with Patrick. Spent some time with Mike. Good times.

Yesterday/Last night was nice and subdued. Had lunch with some of the usual suspects. Mary's wall is awesome. I found the place where I signed in december, '01! DIDN'T get to see Kristin (ahem). Got to relax at Patricks. That was cool. I actually got more sleep there than I get at home. Go figure.

My parent's financial situation is starting to scare the bejezus out of me. And my health (lack of) has been troublesome. Over the river and through the woods to the doctors office I will go.

Now, I get to clean the entire house.

2004-05-28T02:00:00.000-04:00

“Would she go down on you in a theater?”

I’m very tired.

My dog is sick and yet she’s still a pain in the ass. “You goddamnpieceofshit sonofabitch dog. Eat that goddamn medicine”.

My boobs and lower torso got scorched today. Totally my fault.

The carnies are in town.

I got a bunch of photography equipment today.

I saw that really dumb blonde chick that I worked with at Chico and Billy’s today at Best Buy. I think her name was Jordan.

Skwak is alive!

To do list for the weekend:

Psssht forget it. No one actually cares.

I’m going to stop now.

2004-05-24T00:49:00.000-04:00

Fragmented Thoughts and Ice Water

I’m definitely on the path to skin cancer. Sigh. At least this will result in a decent tan.

I worked my ass off (Literally) in the yard this morning. I was so sweaty and tired by twelve I wanted to go back to bed. I dyed my hair dark brown and took a shower. We had a family cookout in the back yard. I did a little writing and then decided I was ready to go out and see people.

I went over to Patrick’s this evening and we talked for a while. That was nice. I drove around Roanoke, taking in the changes (there were a lot, unfortunately). I stopped by the coffee shop for tea where I ran into Blake and John. I missed John more than I knew. Then I went to the Deli to sit with Mike while Mary closed. Pretty slow night.

I think it’s probably good that I’m not seeing Kristin this summer. When we room together in the fall we won’t start out being sick of each other.

So I wanted to have a summer romance but then I remembered this is Roanoke and I came back to reality. And then I also remembered that trust is a precious and lacking element in most of my relationships with men. Oh well, maybe I’ll meet someone in England.

2004-05-21T03:07:00.000-04:00

Tired with a touch of delirium.

Three hours sleep doesn’t help the thinking process. The whole “mini-high school reunion” thing was kind of strange but I had fun. Everyone looks the same except…no everyone is exactly the same. Mmm, bowling, Tennessee moonshine, Texas Tavern, Wal-mart and near death experiences all in one night. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

My L.A. uncle is on the east coast for the week. We hiked the Four Mile Loop this morning and talked about pot, sex and Rufus Wainwright. I had lunch at my grandmothers. Came home and sprayed commercial Round-Up on the weeds and trees growing in the cracks of our patio. I got quite a bit on my skin but at this point I don’t really care. In fact, I lounged around on the patio for about an hour tanning. Let’s see how many types of cancer I can get in the span of a year.

I’m going to some winery with my uncle tomorrow and after that he’s going to show me how to mix drinks. Yay for liberal gay men from California.

I foresee hair-dying in the near future. I’m tired of being red…maybe I’m just tired.

2004-05-19T04:23:00.000-04:00

I’m incredibly tired and emotionally drained. Day started at 6 AM. Ordered darkroom supplies and portfolio. I had errands out my ass. Hair cut. Driving=gas…grrr…damn Bush administration. I ended up cleaning the house and mowing three yards. I hit another nest of baby rabbits…yeah. I was hysterical. I managed to miss one but I think I took a couple toes off the second. Despite a few drops of blood it could hop around frantically so I’m hoping it survives. This time I didn’t touch either of them in hopes that the mother wouldn’t abandon them...the smell and all. Damn that mother rabbit building those nests in impossible-to-see places (yes, I do realize that’s the point). Came home and cooked asparagus on the grill. It’s one of those fancy stainless steel things with lots of knobs. I pushed the starter button after having the gas on for a few minutes and apparently a few minutes was a bit too long because flames exploded out the back of the grill setting a nearby bush on fire. That was fun. Took a shower to get the smoke and sweat off me. Went out with Mary and Mike. Good times. This post sucks. Oh well. Goodnight.

P.S.- Boys named Cole should call girls named Cait and girls named Skwak should write to girls named Cait.

2004-05-15T21:51:00.000-04:00

Invasion of Red Things

The house has been invaded by ants.

I'll be rich by the end of the summer.

Volunteering at Good Samaritan Hospice.

Fasting is my new best friend.

Writing is my god.

Reading is my boyfriend.

What more could I want?

The past 48 hours have brought moments of euphoria, relaxation, and a "post-trauma surge of endoriphins". Best illegal substance I've ever had.

I've never been more relieved to experience the pain and bleeding of menstruation.

I miss Coleman.

THE END.

2004-05-09T16:55:00.000-04:00

“Don’t worry we’ll all float on”

Thursday night I’ll be sleeping in my bed, in my house, with my asthmatic dog.

The other day my mom called and said, “You’ll be home in a week! Aren’t you excited!” to which I replied, “I could still die.”…

But I am excited. I’ll be able to run in my neighborhood without worrying about crossing a dozen intersections with heavy traffic flow. I’ll be able to swim in my pool. I’ll be able to drive. I’ll be able to smoke up in the privacy of my back porch instead of searching for a safe haven. I won’t be living in a seven by nine box. Oh, but best of all…real food.

Friday 14th- Meet with Good Samaritan Hospice people
Monday 17th- Photog. Class begins
Tuesday 18th- Getting my hair sculpted

Peace, Love, and Pharmaceutical Pot

2004-05-02T13:46:00.000-04:00

She hands out the Bhagavad-Gita.

The minimalist plan is working out. Not the way I would like but at least I’m following some course of action. I have 15 dollars to my name. And that is for the next five days. My neurosis have taken over and convinced me not to spend any of the money. I suppose college life gives my financial situation anorexia. Or maybe I’m developing some sort of eating disorder. I’ve been going days without eating, lately.

Best moment of the week: Sitting on a patch of grass reading poetry.

The rest of the week was shit.

I can already tell this is going to be one of those summers where I go insane, stop eating, and walk around in all black when the temperature is 90 degrees.

Yeah, it’s already started.

2004-04-28T14:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, kids. This little period of decadence is over. I’m doing the whole minimalist thing, again. My overindulgence is chipping away at my character and while I’ve always been a bit off balance I can see that I’m definitely tipping in the wrong direction. So…

1. No more alcohol.
2. No more sugar
3. No more salt
4. No more beef/chicken
5. No more dairy.
6. No more television.
7. No more sex.
8. No more coffee.
9. No more prescription drugs.
10. No more cigarettes

All of you who love to tempt me…give me a break.

On a lighter note…anyone want to go on a road trip to Oberlin in May? I want to see Miss Stephanie. I need her bohemian influence to start my summer off. Plus, I want to make a movie there. Anyone, anyone?

2004-04-25T00:28:00.000-04:00

Me and my 424

Woke up at 6 am to the sounds of my parents’ morning activity. Realized my cat was fucked up. Took him to the vet. They told me he got his ass kicked by another cat because he had puncture wounds in his neck and leg. Went home and cleaned the house. Baked my own birthday cake. My parents were doing their own thing. “Family party” ensued. Kristin joined the awkward celebration. “Yay, Caitlin’s still alive” Both parents already plastered by the time I blew my candles out. I watched as my dad started setting random things on fire. One of them being the figures I had put on my cake. Embarrassing. Went over to Patrick’s. He kindly assisted me in getting tipsy but not gone. Kristin was made dd as retribution for macrock. Mwuahahahaah. Patrick sent me off with a healthy amount of vodka. Yay Patrick myfavorite. And now I’m off to finish my birthday celebration drinking citron vodka alone. And so it goes.

2004-04-22T16:25:00.000-04:00

http://filmg.com/jukebox/TheGravesModernLove.mp3

I found a job. VCU decided 90 degrees was hot enough to turn the A.C. back on. I’m healthy. I’ve immersed myself in great literature. The weather is lovely. Skwak has put her wonderful art and my poetry together in the form of a zine (thankyouverymuch). I might not be going to Bonnaroo by myself after all. I just finished making another movie. I’m going home this weekend.

How’s that for positive?

Ahem, Cole.

2004-04-14T11:13:00.000-04:00

I don’t normally do this.

The past 24 hours have been a slap in the face. Apparently, I’m the biggest loser ever. Apparently, I was wrong in thinking I would feel welcome at certain events. HELLO! Do you people realize how much of your bullshit I put up with? All of you. Everyone who reads this stupid, piece-of-shit confessional is guilty. I go out of my way to help you or make you feel better when you’re being manipulated or emotionally abused. I keep your fucking secrets. And now I find I’m being used. “Aww, Caitlin’s having a rough year. We should make her feel safe and loved and then rip the rug out from under her”. All you people care about is your own little world of drinking and fucking and smoking up.

Here's a poem. It's the last thing you will ever get from me…

Trust is a myth.
Love is a lie.
I hope you all rot in hell
But not before I die.

2004-03-30T20:21:00.000-05:00

My mood has taken an inexplicable, and drastic turn towards… bad. Maybe it’s the weather that’s been awfully shitty these past few days. Maybe it’s my mountain of work casting its long shadow upon me. It could be the intelligence drought that has parched this city leaving a limited number of conversationalists. Or perhaps it’s my inability to drink every night inducing the coma like stupor that so many VCU students seem to enjoy. VCU…what a waste of tuition this place is. I thought stupidity ran rampant at Cave Spring but VCU…VCU is a joke.

Maybe it’s this retarded diet. I’m losing weight but food is definitely no longer a joy. I need to start exercising more regularly instead of these sporadic visits to Cary Street. It’s been in the news lately that walking helps women recovering from breast cancer. Walking, however, is not something that I want to do. I hate to walk to class. Intersections make me want to retch. Whenever I cross now, I wait until someone is next to me so if a truck decides to fuck up again at least I know the person beside me will weather most of the blow. And that, folks, is why I’m going to hell.

I don’t know. I think most shrinks would say it’s a combination of factors causing my irritability and melancholy.

Personally, I think I just need to be fucked.

2004-03-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

Subject: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky
Quote: “If the First Lady can’t satisfy her man someone should. He’s the president. He should have a designated member of his cabinet to ‘service’ him”

This was the discussion in my Mass Com Breakout class. The quote is from a size 0 blonde with mammoth breasts and a heart tattoo on her neck. People like this are setting the women’s movement back decades. What really blew my mind were the four other girls that agreed with her.

Maybe she said it for shock value. Maybe she wanted to impress the male population sitting in awe of the words coming out of her mouth. Amazed that a blonde could be so coherent. Maybe it was both. Either way, it was a sad, sad day for cultured women everywhere.

It’s not just the outrageous statements they regurgitate between their arduous binge and purge sessions; it’s their aspirations that disturb me. “I want to be in Playboy”, said the petit 2.0 GPA in hot pants and a tank top. At this point I think “God, was Barbie really this powerful?” What happened to wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer? Fuck…even a housewife.

But I’m not worried. When I’m winning the Pulitzer or the Booker, they’ll be working at Dunkin’ Donuts supporting their illegitimate children.

So to all of those woman who say, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful”
I say, "Don’t worry. I hate you because your stupid"

2004-02-27T09:15:00.000-05:00

I know why people are so depressed. It’s the same reason I’m unhappy. Same reason I was unhappy, rather. It’s the mantra, “I’ll be happy when”… I’ll be happy when I graduate high school. I’ll be happy when he’s not so depressed. I’ll be happy when I go to college. I’ll be happy when I get out of Richmond. The truth is graduation wasn’t that great, he may never be happy, VCU is substandard, and Richmond is a typical city. Life is now and it’s inherently bad. So appreciate the short moments in life when you feel…okay. Find happiness in a walk through the ghetto, or the sound of sirens. Get a life or get a 9mm and a plastic tarp.

There’s beauty in both.

2004-02-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

I’m amazed how easily prescription drugs can be obtained in this country. It seems within the past decade the patient-doctor relationship has mutated into that of an addict-dealer rapport. Crack whores and heroin junkies have become so passé. Why exchange sex for a hit when you can get your fix from the family doctor while insurance picks up the tab? Of course, more doctors breed more drugs. It’s easier if you have a history. The doctors know what you’ve been through. They know what you have to look forward to. It’s simply less of a hassle to solve your predicament with the ‘pharmaceutical solution’. Have a pain? Breast still hurting from the last ‘cut and paste’ session? No problem. These doctors can write out prescriptions faster than you can say Vicodin. The Valium, Xanax, and Prozac are only as far as the local druggist. The good people at the CVS pharmacy will set you up with a wonderful assortment of pills for your ills. Before you know it you’ll be popping Percocet like they’re candy. And while these drugs can be highly addictive, at least you know can blame it on the medical community when you’re checking yourself into rehab. But I’m not too worried about that because like a wise man once said…“life’s hard…then you die”. I might as well have a little help right?

2004-02-08T11:40:00.000-05:00

Valentine’s Day has to be the worst fucking day of the year. It’s bad enough when you have a boyfriend that doesn’t want to submit to the capitalist regime that’s taken over the country by buying his girlfriend one fucking rose. It’s worse when you’re forced to spend the day alone, eating the enormous box of chocolate you bought yourself, saying it’s not a real holiday, that the card companies made it up on a whim to boost profits which inevitably waned after Christmas. I mean who the fuck is Saint Valentine, anyway?

The stories vary but just about every historian agrees that it started with the Romans. Eight hundred years ago, pubescent boys, celebrating the god Lapercus, would draw from a lottery of girls who were then forced to become their sex slaves for the rest of the year. Quite an orgy no doubt. Something only a man and his heads could think up.

Of course, I’m just bitter about being alone. So all of you who have someone to buy you flowers and candy and take you to dinner, enjoy it while you can.

It doesn’t last.

2004-02-05T17:59:00.000-05:00

After everything, I cast off to sea
And the tide pulled me out
Into the cosmic, deep blue

Drifting in a straight line
Across the glass surface
That separated the night air
From the black water

The stars pulsated on cue
With the beat of my heart
And my eyes reflected
The white luster they projected

The night was swollen with silence
Except for the sound of
My indigo boat
Passing through the salted
Cloudy water

As I reclined in the bottom
Of my vessel
My mind was tranquil
My body was composed

And then I sat up and gazed over the edge…

And I realized
My heart was not beating
My eyes were not reflecting
My ears were not hearing
And my boat was not a boat

But that I was in a coffer
Floating in space
Looking down at Earth
As it grew smaller and smaller

And I felt a wave of serenity wash over my soul.

2004-02-04T00:38:00.000-05:00

If life were a carnival, I would be the Ferris wheel. When I’m high I’m in the far reaches of bliss, when I’m down I’m in the lowest echelon of human suffering. I wish I could say that the highs and lows balance each other out but they really can’t be compared. They’re separate entities, each one waiting its turn to bestow its ‘gifts’ upon me. Fortunately, the blues are no longer deep indigo but instead a bearable teal.
As cliché as it sounds it’s the little things that give me my pale green rapture. Today, I saw a gigantic saltwater aquarium full of tropical fish, all of them floating about completely unaware of each other. Each fish endowed with it’s own exotic colors. It was a closed tank, imbedded into the wall, all sound trapped within. Not even the whir of the aerator could be heard. Silence, water, and the swaying plant life created a perfect milieu. At that moment my brain gave me shot of endorphins and euphoria proceeded to march through my veins. Ahhh, my fix was had...

So goes the life of this young woman.

2004-02-02T02:15:00.000-05:00

I have been sliced open and dismantled. I have been stitched back together. I have suffered. I have caused suffering. I have placed oversized burdens on the backs of those I love.

I have become the witness. I have become the forgotten. I have become the voyeuristic ghost that follows them through their lives. They suppress this realization. They push it back into the alcoves and niches that occupy their minds for the storage of unpleasant thoughts. I have become an afterthought…

This has become the autumn of my life. My friends have fallen away slowly. I have been stripped bare. I have seen the nooks and crannies of my character. Every scar. Every flaw. I have wept uncontrollably with tears of remorse and shame.

I have forgiven. I have started to forget.

I have received my karma.

2004-01-31T23:08:00.000-05:00

After about a year of defending my staunch atheist beliefs I’m starting to reconsider my position on the existence of a higher being. While I’m still not convinced God is real, I can’t maintain an atheist point of view because as a friend once said, both atheism and belief of a deity require faith in the unknown…

After life…

I hope we don’t all go to a happy, bright, sterile place in the sky as heaven is often portrayed…a gigantic holding cell full of gowned dead people. As far as I’m concerned I didn’t enjoy being with them on earth I won’t enjoy being with them…where ever. I hope we all have our own infinity where we can relive our happiest moment in life. In other words, I hope I can live my purest, most beautiful instant for eternity. Of course, as an agnostic, I can’t believe or hope for any of this but it’s a nice thought...

2004-01-31T16:49:00.000-05:00

When the he and the I grew more
And the we and the us grew less
I wove my love into a blanket
To keep folded inside my chest.

If I make it long enough I can use it as a veil.
Otherwise it can shroud my face in darkness.
Someone old, someone new
Someone buried, someone blue.

As much as I want us both to be happy
I know we’re cut from the same cloth
In these fabrics of ours
The strands of happiness will always be too short...

2004-01-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

I’m fucking famished. I’m starving for real relationships. I’m sick of acquaintances. I’m sick of just knowing people. I’m also fed up with being someone’s filler. Fuck all of you who use me to fill the gaps in your social life!… I never get to do anything with them. I just have to hear them bitch and moan about their love life, or how lacking their social life is. Social Life. At least you have a fucking social life. I’m sick of going places BY MYSELF. I’m sick of asking people if they want to hang out just to be rejected. And I’m sick of hearing the phrase, “meeting people is easy”. Bullshit. I have been used and abused beyond my limit and I’m fucking sick and tired of it. Good day to you all.

2004-01-30T12:15:00.000-05:00

Two men sit in a diner waiting for their food. They’re both well dressed and have a look of money about them although you couldn’t tell from their speech. The waitress finally brings them their food and walks off.

Ed: ‘Bout fucking time. I’m sittin’ here starvin’ to death.

Bernie: Man, You ain’t fucking starvin’ to death. Shut the fuck up and eat…Lemme tell my story …So, have I told you ‘bout this mothafucker I deliver to every month?

Ed: Naw, man, you ain’t told me ‘bout him.

Bernie: Well, I got this guy that I meet every third Saturday of the month. He orders the good shit. We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout no half piece or g-rock either. He wants a brick, a fuckin’ kilo, man.

Ed: A fuckin’ brick?! A fuckin’ brick of up town?

Burnie: Heh, heh, I know man, I know. Anyway, he always wants to be real careful right? So he pays me extra to come to him. He’s got this empty warehouse ‘bout 50 miles outta town. I mean there is NOTHIN’ ‘round this mothafucker.

Ed: Damn, that’s some serious shit, I don’t blame the mothafucker.

Bernie: Yeah. So anyway, every month we meet in the back office of this building. And lemme tell you this place gives me the fuckin’ creeps, man. There ain’t no windows in this place, ‘s like the tomb of death up in that bitch.

Ed: (Laughs) Bernie, man, you always were easy to fuck with.

Bernie: This ain’t no fuckin’ joke, motherfucker. (looks pissed off) So, four days ago I go there to meet him and deliver the shit at this warehouse. Now, this back room we meet in has some fucked up shit goin’ on. I mean this office must a been a mothafuckin’ vault back in the day.

Ed: Whadaya mean? What’s wrong with it?

Bernie: Well, at the entrance of this room is a fuckin’ metal door. You know, like in that movie, like the door Leatherface has on his fucked up butcher shop. It slides shut.

Ed: Yeah, man. I know what you mean. That was one fucked up movie man. (laughs) So, what else…

Bernie: Right, well this door doesn’t open from the inside so we can never shut it. And remember, this place ain’t got no fuckin’ windows so he turns on these florescent lights. It’s one fucked up atmosphere for a deal. It’s like being on fish row. Gives me the fuckin’ chills. Anyway, last Saturday, I go to meet him. This mothafucker is always late so when he isn’t there I don’t sweat. Well, there was this office chair. Leather, really nice in the middle of this room, so I sit down...
TO BE CONTINUED...

2004-01-29T19:52:00.001-05:00

Lately, I've been waiting for life to happen...love, friendship, creativity. Everyday, I sit in this room, in this city. I peek through the blinds and watch the people below and I remember. I have sat in this river, anchored to the bottom as life flowed by. Today, I let myself go and float down stream...